Paddy's Day

the spelling is deliberate. (ha- the word deliberate always makes me think of Gimli when he falls of his horse in the Fellowship of the Ring) deliberately true to ireland that is, as was my celebration of st. patrick's day this year.

generally, the parts of me shaped by my 16 months in ireland have been finding their place here in seattle... i could name many... of course there's the constant rhythms of rain, but also the immediacy of natural beauty- in place of rainbows, i now catch my breath and am stilled by God's goodness every time i see the clear silhouettes of ever-present snow-peaked mountains against the brilliant colors of a setting sun. there also happens to be an irish shop just a couple minute's drive down the road. bikkies, tea, and memerabilia galore. it's so strange. walking into that shop the day before paddy's day, i was on a mission for bikkies, a key ingredient in the banoffie pie (requested by laura wade-- aka. banakie). the rooms full of familiar things revived memories so tangibly that i could almost fool myself into thinking i was in a cheasy tourist shop in ireland. it was very nearly wonderful... and oh so bittersweet.

normally, the idea of buying things there feels like cheating. but for patrick's day, i took the liberty to use this ireland mirage to honor my memories and celebrate with doug, laura wade, noah, and luke. i purchased some bikkies and a packet of shepherd's pie mix. then, with one more trip to the food store, i had all of the ingredients for shepherd's pie, roast carrots and parsnips (with honey and rosemary, of course!), banoffie pie, and smithwick's.

i arrived at doug and laura wade's mid-afternoon to start chopping. and chop i did. i was so excited for the carrots and parsnips that i filled a pan with enough for 10 people. then i cleaned and chopped potatoes and prepared a pot of water to boil them for mashing. things were going so well! and then..... catastrophe. a loud and sudden crack like a gunshot-- the sound of glass exploding. instead of turning on the burner underneath the pot of water, i had heated the glass pan of carrots and parsnips that were waiting for their turn in the oven. glass everywhere. i mean everywhere! little tiny bits all over the counter, and floor, reaching all parts of the room! shocked and confused, i stumbled as carefully as i could to the connecting room where noah (22 months) was playing to keep him out of the glass-infested kitchen. having heard the sound, laura wade came running downstairs. in a few brilliant maneuvers, she safely relocated noah to his crib (luke is still a beetle, confined to his back, though at this stage he could roll over if the thought occurred to him. as of yet he is more interested in exercising his vocal chords), and systematically removed all appliances and objects from the counters. meanwhile, the shock of what had happened was wearing off and i felt horrible. it was a nightmare of a mess, particularly with a near two year old in the house who is naturally opposed to shoes and socks. but from the moment she saw what had happened, it was clear that laura wade was not angry. she got stuck in and led the cleaning effort, never once blaming me or making me pay emotionally (nor later fiscally) for what happened. she even ran out to the store to get more parsnips and carrots to replace the ones that had gone to their grave by bits of glass and direct contact with the stovetop (MAP women, i couldn't help but think of our fruit salad plastic bowl fiasco!). i share this story with you not to confirm the already prevalent opinion among some that i am flighty (i prefer absent minded!), but because it was a moment that i knew the freedom of grace like never before. the shame i initially felt as i worked to find and collect all of those bits of glass was rendered useless and indeed unnecessary! i am irrevocably human, quite a mess at times. and in this situation, i felt the invitation to truly trust that i am loved and and somehow accepted in the midst of all of it. this is the meaning of forgiveness! it would be ok.

before long, the glass was gone and dinner was cooking once again. 'a new day!' laura wade exclaimed. and this time, she and i were side by side peeling and chopping away. funny how mess makes way for relationship!

...did i mention that my sister in law is amazing?

and though a bit behind schedule, dinner was everything i had hoped it would be... and more.

it's time to work on those application essays (considering they're due in a week and a half!) and so i've come to a coffee shop that i think i've adopted (it's my second trip in this week). everywhere i live a certain coffee shop becomes my go to spot for productivity or relaxation.

philly phase 1 (highschool): starbucks, chestnut hill
delaware (college): Brew Haha
philly phase 2 (pre-ireland): Chestnut Hill Coffee Co.
dublin: starbucks, blackrock
philly phase 3 (post-ireland, pre-seattle): Chestnut Hill Coffee Co.
and now, seattle: green bean coffeehouse

i wandered in here a couple of weeks ago on a day off when the sun was shining and i was feeling adventurous. my friend jenn had recommended it as a cozy place, a church outreach, and not too far from where i live. i loved it instantly... with its mismatched furniture, ecclectic cups, big windows, and imaginative decor. the girl who took my order was a bit over-friendly for my liking (i am like a turtle with a big shell when in a new place) and so i kept my distance at first... but another outburst from her as she talked to the girl making my drink caught my attention. i received my vanilla latte (with half the vanilla), and gathered that this was the first time the girl at the bar had successfully poured a latte into the design of a leaf! being one that admires latte art (but sadly not able to learn in my standardized starbucks world of barista-ing), i was delighted to be a part of this momentous moment of creative achievement. i congratulated her, voiced my feeling of privilege at drinking her first latte art, and documented it with my camera phone! and then i couldn't help but get over myself and chat with the 2 of them for a few minutes. the one that made my drink also cuts hair! so now i have someone to call when it's time for my first seattle haircut!

this unexpected encounter was reminiscent of ireland-- being brand new in a place, guarded and hesitant to engage, but finding that stepping out of the comfortable isolation of my bedroom, outside of myself, being open to the potential of the unknown, of an exchange with the nameless person in a coffee shop... can be so enjoyable. i wonder at this world that we live in... at the beauty of being connected to humanity, and what a simultaneously universal and personal thing that is. it was profoundly delightful. and a reminder there is much to hope for in unformed moments of days like this one. another reason i am fond of change.

as i left, i picked up an information card about the 'green bean.' on it is a quote from henri nouwen:
'Hospitality is not to change people but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer them freedom undisturbed by dividing lines. The paradox of hospitality is that it wants to create emptiness, not a fearful emptiness, but a friendly emptiness where strangers can enter and discover themselves as created free; free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances, free also to leave and follow their own vocations. hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the lifestyle of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guests to find their own.'

word.

changing my tune

i'm becoming fond of change. this feels funny to say when i think of what a confused mess i've been since... well, at least since i arrived in ireland in may 2007. running into 'culture walls' (i.e. those confounding cultural moments that brought me to the end of myself) i started to see and grapple with the constructs in my life that i work so hard to build, the identity i strive so to maintain... and the fears and deep-rooted lies that lurk beneath them. God knew. He is my Father, after all. and not only does He know but He cares. He put me in a place where none of my strategies worked so that for the first time I would have no choice but to stop, to cry out to Him, and to see what He would do. even more so, to see what He had already been doing... good gifts He had been preparing to give me, even before my hands were free to recieve them! the ones that mean the most to me are the ones that i could not have predicted.

a prime example was my last day in dublin. i was spending the day with rachel and becca... knowing that i wanted to be with the girls closest to me every possible second before i boarded the plane for philadelphia and my world changed. the annual Festival of World Cultures was on in Dun Laoghaire, and so, rachel and i made our way down from the coach house... via a cash machine and the food stalls... and found not only becca but cathy breen! becca was bursting because lisa hannigan was playing a free concert at 7!! i heard this, but the information faltered to register in my brain through the cloud of my typical cluelessness mixed with supressed grief about the fact that i was leaving ireland. 'you want to hear jill who?' 'lisa hannigan!' oh right, she used to sing with damien rice. i do love her voice. sure! put off the packing a few more hours! let's go. and for several unplanned hours, i was side by side with my girls, camping out to reserve a spot in the grass, and then, listening and falling in love with lisa's soulful sentimental, jazzy fun songs. her lyrics are like wine for a sentimental sap like me:

'Ocean and A Rock'

What you at my gentle spoken friend
I lack a frame to put you in
when you're an ocean and a rock away

I feel you in the pocket of my overcoat
my fingers wrap around your words
they take the shape of games we play

I feed your words through my buttonholes
pin them to my fingerless gloves
green and prone to fraying

Thoughts of you, warm my bones
I'm on the way, I'm on the phone,
Lets get lost, me and you,
an ocean and a rock is nothing to me.

I am far away from where you lay,
awake the day while you fall to sleep
an ocean and a rock away

I keep you in the pockets of my dresses
and the bristles of my brushes
spin you into my curls today

I spoon you into my coffee cup,
spin you through a delicate wash
I wear you all day

Thoughts of you warm my bones
I'm on the way, I'm nearly home,
Lets get lost, me and you
an ocean and a rock is nothing to me

this song has become even more dear to me as i've listened to it on this side of the ocean. altogether an experience that none of us knew we would have. it was a day carved just for us.

and it didn't end there...when I was getting ready to move to Seattle in January, i got an email from Rachel forwarding the news of Lisa's upcoming stateside tour, which was to include a performance in Seattle Feb. 16!! 'go go go!' she said. and so the beginning of my life in seattle included lisa hannigan, and an opportunity to invite friends here (carrie, kj, carrie's sister heather, and jenn) into a taste of where i have come from. it felt more than coincidental. again, finding myself surrounded by the faithful love of a Father who knows me, and knows what i will love. including the friendships that this story hinges on.

none of which i would know if it weren't for change.