connected.

i am new to this whole blog thing. i want to write, but sometimes i don't know what to write about. so many thoughts pass through my mind in a day! part of my impetus for starting this blog was that i found myself amidst loads of changes, and having to find new ways of processing them. another motivation, and one that's related to the first, is staying connected to some of you that are closest to me that are now (in some cases many) time zones away.

connection. this is my primary objective in life, so it's no surprise to me that it's my purpose in keeping a blog. having moved several times, i am finding that connection is no longer a predictable thing. maybe this will change in time once new relationships and routines become more familiar. but i'm starting to think that this is a reality of life. another word for connection, one that's a buzz word these days in the christian world, is community. where does one find community? in family (hopefully), in friendships... but what exactly constitutes a friend? and where does one find one? at work? through mutual friends? through common interest groups? which brings me to the idea of church.

moving to a different country is great for deconstructing concepts like church. in ireland, a 'post-christian' country (i hope i'm getting my terms right), with a culture driven more by relationships than by what you do, church is different. to begin with, churches are relatively small. though hard in some ways, i experienced this as a positive thing. i found a feeling of 'church' in the irish context while chatting with people during the tea and coffee break, holding a coffee that had been poured by a friend (this was true no matter who was serving, as there were only 30 or so options). saturday@5 was a young church plant, so smaller even than the norm and still finding its legs. but there is a strong sense of connectedness there. church is personal. the presence of each person is important, and what they contribute is of great value. in fact, everyone is needed.

when i moved to seattle, i started going to church with my brother and his family at a church (bethany community church) that is large in american terms. it has 5 services, with hundreds of people attending each one. the difference was quite a shock, and is taking time to digest. my first attempt at getting involved my first month was disappointing--i went to an event, initiated conversation with some women, and was 20 minutes into painfully awkward small talk, only to discover that they go to the evening service and i will never see them. when i enter the sanctuary each week, i recognize the faces of some that are sitting around us, but the 60 second meet and greet time in the service is not enough for building any meaningful connections. for me to be connected at bethany, i need to get involved in one of the small group bible studies that meets during the week, or maybe (horror of horrors!) show up to one of the social events held for those of us in the 'post-college, early career' category. but i haven't built up enough motivation to do either of these yet.

easter sunday, i went to a sunrise service held by my housemate carrie's church. there were approximately 20 people there. it was raining and early and so the service was short. but it felt so good to be with a group of people small enough that i could realistically interact with all of them. it was personal. it refreshed my desire for connectedness, and made me wonder if bethany is the church for me.

doug and laura wade were away this weekend and so i was on my own for church. i contemplated not going at all... wondered if maybe this was the week to visit carrie's church again... and went to bed last night ambivalent. this morning i slept past the time i needed to get up to go to the 9:30 service, and woke up still ambivalent. one thing i did know was that i wanted to go running at greenlake, which is right next to bethany. i checked the website for the later services and found that one was at 11:15... 45 minutes. enough time to eat breakfast and get ready. that's it. decision made. i was still slow to leave the house and got to church late, so the only open seats were in the balcony. i was curious, as i'd never been up those stairs before. i sat directly behind the soundboard, not realizing that my view would be obstructed by the fancy technology that makes those impressive audio and visuals function up on stage. looking at these through the service made me mindful again of the kind of resources big churches like this one have. resources like these have the potential to spoil a church. it reminded me of the culture that i grew up in... of InterVarsity large group meetings that at times seemed to live or die by the success of the powerpoint display. having left this context for another and returned, the technology has lost its luster for me. i see the clean, impressive presentation as one valuable way of doing church, not 'the' way. i sat there, feeling different.

in spite of my feelings of discontent, i have continued to go to bethany for 2 reasons: 1. it is regular time that i get to spend with my family, and 2. the teaching. i am constantly hungry for true words that will fill me and help me make sense of my life, and consistently, what i hear from the pulpit at bethany cuts straight to my core. today, while teaching on the book of Amos, richard was describing times when the Lord disrupts our plans in order to teach us something and offer us something different. he described a lack of equilibrium that we feel, and how the He wants to speak to us in the midst of it.

equilibrium. without predictable means of connection, my sense of equilibrium is easily disrupted these days. and the feeling of being 'different' flares daily. the contentedness and trust that i wrote about in my last post about rain can be gone in a moment... and sometimes i don't know why. but the more i'm disrupted, the more i realize my utter dependence on the Lord's presence, and the sweeter it is to hear His voice.